You’re a different person now. You see things differently.
You’re struggling and longing for your life to change. You wish things were different.
Sometimes you think that being stuck in the comfort of your pain is safer than addressing it. Addressing the pain involves more pain, you might think.
Moving towards that change you deep down wish for involves growth. But growth takes effort, courage and surrender. And right now you don’t want to grow, perhaps? What hope is left for me now? How can I be happy again after he/she left us like that?
Your grief has an intelligence. Let it tell you know it knows. Vomit it all up, don’t wretch. Open the latch and let the dam spill and spill. Sometimes when all the tears are cried there is no room for anything else except a smile and laughter.
True. There is a type of comfort in pain that becomes addictive. It is easier to push what begs to rise up within you and bury it in a corner. Yet that festering pain that you choose to ignore or find solace in will only serve to perpetuate the dis-ease within your heart and mind.
The following 9 Keys to Hope & Happiness After Suicide Loss also comes down to balancing your emotions.
At the end of the day you have a choice to make. Am I actively willing to genuinely look inside? Do I wish to grow from this experience? Does he/she who left want you to carry their weight upon your shoulders until your dying day? The reality is – do we swim in the continuity of life or sink in our own sorrow?
I can only speak from my own experience and with working with others. This is what I have found to be true…And please note – I am talking to survivors that ARE NOT FRESH in their loss.
- Be Willing to Change the Concept of Yourself
This means changing what you believe to be true about your outer and inner self-concept. It means letting go of the old stories, beliefs, thoughts and patterns that don’t serve you and keep you stuck in the past. When you redefine what you are capable of on the outside and when you reconnect to your higher power on the inside – you begin to unlock what is authentically you.
When you honor what is authentically you, void of all past luggage and conditioning, you unlock a greater love within. A connection that self-heals and plants you in the present with a gratitude in your heart – that includes the life you have lost. By honoring YOU, you honor THEM. There is no separation.
- Be Willing to Externalize Your Grief
Your grief has an intelligence. Let it tell you know it knows. Vomit it all up, don’t wretch. Open the latch and let the dam spill and spill. Sometimes when all the tears are cried there is no room for anything else except a smile and laughter. There is strength in vulnerability and healing in releasing. Talk, cry, write, shout, exercise and help others.
- Be Willing to Go Within
This lovely world of ours is a mirror. Your outer state is a reflection of your inner state. Self-healing and self-love starts with connecting to your inner-source, your higher power.
Meditate. Meditation will create a clear, open channel between the heart and the mind allowing for them to work in synchrony. Anxiety, addiction and obsession over your loss will slowly melt away (in conjunction with the rest of the other 8 keys).
You don’t have to be spiritual or religious. If you are a skeptic and don’t buy into what ancient traditions and great masters have known for thousands of years, and you rely on scientific fact – then look no further to what the world’s leading neuroscientists and physicists are saying. There is an underlying intelligence that binds this whole place together. You are not separate from anything else that exists on this planet. You are made of the same stuff! To think you are any different is the height of arrogance. That intelligence, that source cannot be experienced by the five senses. To tap into its power you must sit with it in silence. Join with it.
In terms of healing after a loss – consistent meditation day and night is one of the most powerful practices, if not the most powerful, in self-healing and overall well-being. I have witnessed dramatic shifts in awareness within myself and others with consistent meditation after loss.
- Be Willing to Process & Clear the Pain
Again, you have a choice. I’d suggest to be brave, be honest. A whole new world awaits you when you are willing to do the work.
When you are willing to process the guilt, shame, blame, anger, depression, isolation and loneliness – you begin to unlock your authentic self. You strip away the layers to your greatness. The opportunity to view yourself and this world with a new lens is available to you. You will begin to see the hidden, divine order and balance to life. This greatest loss of yours can become the greatest gift…I am living proof.
- Be Willing to See Your Life Beyond Your Loss
A question that needs to be asked after we have grieved our loss: Now that this has happened to us – what are we going to do about it?
Am I going to use this loss to grow, learn, share, give, create and love more? It’s up to you. I’ve chosen not to in the past and it led to a depressive state. Swim with life as it continues on and grows OR sink in the past that doesn’t exist?
There is something great for you in the horizon. This loss is your trigger, your catalyst to peel back the layers and discover what music dances in your heart.
- Be Willing to Accept The Value of Challenge
What if life’s greatest challenges and voids were windows into living your most inspired, creative and authentic self?
In the words of Dr. John Demartini – Your greatest voids create your highest values. And your highest values lead you to feel grateful for the synchronous balance in life – both pain and pleasure, challenge and support – that brings you closer to fulfilling what is most meaningful.
There is potential value in every situation. Grief is not exempt of this. Grief is apart of life and to exclude the balance of death – leaves us in this lop-sided view of the world. Today we constantly seek pleasure, we seek support and we desire acceptance. The trouble is that grief leaves us with a deep pain and with perceived greater challenge, and if you have experienced a suicide loss – you’re left with rejection.
I now look at the sadness of losing my brother as the most instructive thing that has ever happened to me. His death didn’t have to remain in the way of my life, but more so, on the way to unlocking how I wanted to live my life and what I wanted to share and contribute. For this, I can’t thank him enough. I have no doubts he is celebrating with me. I know this because I feel for him to not want me to seek the benefits, opportunities and inspiring lessons in his passing would be to deny his immortality and redemption.
- Be Willing to Generate Energy
You have to generate it in order for you to have it!
That’s why in these times of challenge you need to remember to do the things that you LOVE. You must endeavor to feed yourself joy. Things you love to do and things you loved to do with your loved one that’s passed.
Don’t become the stale water in the pond. Seek to sit in that rubber tube and flow with the current of the river.
- Be Willing to Forgive Yourself & Your Loved One
Their death is NOT your fault. It’s very easy to blame yourself and others around you. We should have done more! How did I not see the signs? I can’t live with myself – what kind of mother/father am I?
Hold up! Drop it. Have some compassion for yourself. It was their choice to go – an end to their own pain and suffering they unfortunately could see no way out of. As you forgive others, you begin to forgive yourself. When you stop focusing on their choice to go, you will stop punishing yourself for your own.
To quote Marianne Williamson: “Forgiveness releases the past to divine correction and the future to new possibilities. Whatever it was that happened to you, it is over. It happened in the past; in the present, it does not exist unless you bring it with you. Nothing anyone has ever done to you has permanent effects, unless you hold on to it permanently”.
- Be Willing to Surrender
Here’s a simple equation: Open mind = open heart = living authentically YOU.
When you do the work of the other 8 keys you will become more open to something much bigger than you could have imagined for your life after your loss. You must be willing to give up your attachments to the outcome of your life after suicide loss.
You will be okay. In fact you will be better than okay. But you must keep moving. This loss has left a giant scar, but as I’ve said – scars tell stories. Make this scar the catalyst for you to know and love yourself more than you have ever have before. In the words of Anita Moorjani, “Love yourself like your life depends on it, because it does!”
There is hope and there is happiness. Life isn’t the same without them, but that’s okay. You’re here now and it’s up to you what you wan to do with the precious time you have been gifted.
Please leave all comments and questions below – I’d love to hear from you:)
Live from love,